Preparing for your date actually starts well before the date. Here are 3 crucial to-do’s for your ultimate dating success. Whether you are dating for fun, dating for a relationship, or dating for marriage, you must get clear on these items to improve your success.
I get questions all the time such as,
“What is it that makes dating easy for some and challenging for others?””What creates the difference in the individual dating experience between one person and the next?””What ultimately creates the difference in the fulfillment and quality of one’s’ marital relationship?”One of the questions I ask my clients who come to me when their marriage is struggling is “what was it that brought you together and want to marry?”
While the responses vary greatly, the question is as potent in the dating phase as it is in a marriage. Simply stated, if two people can’t recall what it was that engendered their relationship, then how will they be able to reconnect and rebuild when the strength of their relationship is tested (as it often is)?
The strategies for successful dating and the strategies for successful relationships have considerable overlap and at the same time, they require substantially different strategies to be truly enjoyable, successful, and fulfilling. In general, the longer you do something the better you become at it. However, regarding dating seems to be an exception; the more “experience” one has dating, the more emotionally draining, unenjoyable, and confusing it becomes. This article aims to focus on three tips for proven dating strategies with which scores of clients have found success in making dating a smoother, more efficient, and more enjoyable process.
Let’s say you want to buy a pen. You go online to Amazon and search for “pen.” Naturally, 3 million results show up. There are ballpoint, rollerball, fountain, gel, stylus, and pens of all shapes and colors. It seems searching for a “pen” is not efficient search criteria. You can spend the time and shop through the 3 million results, or you can do what most people do- narrow it down and get much more clear on what exactly you want, and what is the purpose and the price you’re willing to pay for the pen. In short, to find the pen you want you need to get clear on how the right pen for you is different than the other 10,000 that meet most of your criteria.
The same is true for finding a spouse.
It seems everyone wants a “nice guy,” an “attractive girl,” or someone who is “fun, sweet, and has a sense of humor.” Ironically, in over 10 years of dating coaching, no one has ever said to me “I want a mean guy, downright unattractive, bitter and nasty with zero sense of humor and entirely boring.” If you want to maximize your results with dating, then narrow your criteria. That does not mean get irrational and overly picky. It means turn one word into a sentence to get clear on what you truly want. For instance, I want someone who can make me laugh and can see the humor in life challenges,” is much more clear than “I want a nice guy who’s funny.” If you keep the same search criteria you’ve had until now, you’ll keep getting the same results.
When you change your criteria and get more specific, you spend less time in the search because your criteria filter in what you want.
Even if your next date is not your spouse, you’ll at least have more fun dating since your dates are more in line with who you are looking to marry. A difficult but popular exercise I give my dating clients is to sit down and make 3 lists with as much detail as possible.
List 1 has all the absolute “need to have’s.”
List 2 has all the absolute deal breakers,
and List 3 has all of the desired feelings, descriptors, characteristics of the
relationship and the person you would like to have.
List 3 is essentially your ideal outcome of dating. Often this exercise requires coaching, discussion, and it takes work. But, that sums up marriage, it requires those components as well. If you are serious about finding your soulmate
and getting married, save yourself lots of time and heartbreak. This exercise is frequently a
game changer, as is the incredibly valuable coaching and self-discovery involved with doing this
2. Become the match for person you want to attract.
A common trend I encounter with my clients
in the religious and non-religious dating circles is that people want it all. While this is a complex
topic requiring its’ own article, the descriptors are generally that my date should be a very
attractive, high achiever in the religious, academic, and/or financial areas, sensitive, fun/funny,
and a number of other positive characteristics. What is interesting is that this expected list
leaves no room for this ideal person to have any flaws, any negative characteristics, or anything
about him or her that need improvement or growth. The question I ask my clients at that point
is simple: It’s great you want to date a person who is all you described, but are you already the
person whom this ideal man or woman would want to date? Are you already the accomplished
man or woman whom such an accomplished individual would want to marry?
Often there is a mismatch between what we want in a partner, and being the person whom that
partner would want. There is a famous saying: “People like people who are like themselves.” Mr.
Perfect will likely want someone who is like him. Ms. Accomplished and Perfect will want
someone equally attractive, accomplished, respectable, and put together. If you are not what
your ideal partner would want, you can either become that person or change your standards.
One of the other factors is dating anxiety. If you are struggling with it, finding a great Coach could prove very helpful. If you have a friend who comes to mind when you hear “dating anxiety” here are a few ways you can support them.
3. Date for you, not for your Mom, or anyone else.
It’s great if everyone else thinks that he is
wonderful for you to date. However, after giving him a fair opportunity to get to know him, if he
does not excite you, then reconsider how you would like to feel when dating the one for you.
Then, have an honest discussion with yourself and contemplate if you are feeling that way while
dating him or her. I frequently hear from dating coaching clients that they are told by someone “this guy is such a great catch.” Or, “she is such a perfect girl for you.” This can easily make things confusing. If you are not interested in dating that person, how do you weasel out of it in a respectful and dignified manner?
Now that you are clear on what you want, one approach is to inquire if this person fits your search criteria, not your friends, parents’, or anyone else. If you are crystal clear on your reasonable criteria, and this person is not what you what are looking for, you can explore the next option. Often times in dating, pressure from a third party can make things even more confusing, and it can be helpful to speak to an older, wiser, uninvolved party, who is unfamiliar with the other person and can be objective in guiding you. This person may be an experienced relative, Rabbi, Rebbetzin, qualified therapist, or coach.
Contact Isaac for a 20 minute Relationship Discovery Session. Bring your questions and be ready to talk about where you want to make changes!
Isaac Bardos is an Speaker, Coach, and upcoming Author of The Life You Never Knew You Have. He solves people’s problems- whether in relationships, career, finances, or health, if you’re frustrated when how things are, he has a practical way to help you forward to the next level. He owns an exclusive coaching practice which teaches clients how to up-level the quality and fulfillment in their lives regarding their dating and family relationships. As a dating coach, he works with clients who have been dating for a while and want expert guidance to attract their ideal partner into their lives. He uses a proven coaching process involving research-based wisdom and strategies to get results with clients who want to find and create lasting relationships with their soulmate, and have an easy and enjoyable time throughout the process. He works with singles, couples, parents, and families ages 23-65. He can be reached at www.IsaacBardos.com